Thanks for posting that, Bob. Very important and and poignant.
Daniela
On Fri, Aug 30, 2013 at 12:02 AM, Bob Perkins <turkeysturkeys@gmail.com> wrote:
About 2 weeks ago I got this sent to me by a friend. I made my kids listen to me read this. It is very poignant. It relates to the topic of kindness and consideration that we have touched on in this post. It is from a graduation speech given this year at Syracuse University by a writer named George Saunders. For those who take the minute or so to read this excerpt, I think you will find something very memorable.
Of course, my daughter has had nothing but positives in her life. She has great friends at every turn. This article has no parallels with her but it is very pertinent in light of what Kelly and Kathleen and others have said:
Here is the excerpted version:
"Failures of Kindness"
"So: What do I regret? Being poor from time to time? Not really. Working terrible jobs, like "knuckle-puller in a slaughterhouse?" (And don't even ASK what that entails.) No. I don't regret that. Skinny-dipping in a river in Sumatra, a little buzzed, and looking up and seeing like 300 monkeys sitting on a pipeline, pooping down into the river, the river in which I was swimming, with my mouth open, naked? And getting deathly ill afterwards, and staying sick for the next seven months? Not so much. Do I regret the occasional humiliation? Like once, playing hockey in front of a big crowd, including this girl I really liked, I somehow managed, while falling and emitting this weird whooping noise, to score on my own goalie, while also sending my stick flying into the crowd, nearly hitting that girl? No. I don't even regret that.
But here's something I do regret:
In seventh grade, this new kid joined our class. In the interest of confidentiality, her Convocation Speech name will be "ELLEN." ELLEN was small, shy. She wore these blue cat's-eye glasses that, at the time, only old ladies wore. When nervous, which was pretty much always, she had a habit of taking a strand of hair into her mouth and chewing on it.
So she came to our school and our neighborhood, and was mostly ignored, occasionally teased ("Your hair taste good?" – that sort of thing). I could see this hurt her. I still remember the way she'd look after such an insult: eyes cast down, a little gut-kicked, as if, having just been reminded of her place in things, she was trying, as much as possible, to disappear. After awhile she'd drift away, hair-strand still in her mouth. At home, I imagined, after school, her mother would say, you know: "How was your day, sweetie?" and she'd say, "Oh, fine." And her mother would say, "Making any friends?" and she'd go, "Sure, lots."
Sometimes I'd see her hanging around alone in her front yard, as if afraid to leave it.
And then – they moved. That was it. No tragedy, no big final hazing.
One day she was there, next day she wasn't.
End of story.
Now, why do I regret that? Why, forty-two years later, am I still thinking about it? Relative to most of the other kids, I was actually pretty nice to her. I never said an unkind word to her. In fact, I sometimes even (mildly) defended her.
But still. It bothers me.
So here's something I know to be true, although it's a little corny, and I don't quite know what to do with it:
What I regret most in my life are failures of kindness.
Those moments when another human being was there, in front of me, suffering, and I responded…sensibly. Reservedly. Mildly.
Or, to look at it from the other end of the telescope: Who, in your life, do you remember most fondly, with the most undeniable feelings of warmth?
Those who were kindest to you, I bet.
It's a little facile, maybe, and certainly hard to implement, but I'd say, as a goal in life, you could do worse than: Try to be kinder.
So let me just say this. There are ways. You already know that because, in your life, there have been High Kindness periods and Low Kindness periods, and you know what inclined you toward the former and away from the latter. Education is good; immersing ourselves in a work of art: good; prayer is good; meditation's good; a frank talk with a dear friend; establishing ourselves in some kind of spiritual tradition – recognizing that there have been countless really smart people before us who have asked these same questions and left behind answers for us.
So, quick, end-of-speech advice: Since, according to me, your life is going to be a gradual process of becoming kinder and more loving: Hurry up. Speed it along. Start right now. There's a confusion in each of us, a sickness, really: selfishness. But there's also a cure. So be a good and proactive and even somewhat desperate patient on your own behalf – seek out the most efficacious anti-selfishness medicines, energetically, for the rest of your life.
Do all the other things, the ambitious things – travel, get rich, get famous, innovate, lead, fall in love, make and lose fortunes, swim naked in wild jungle rivers (after first having it tested for monkey poop) – but as you do, to the extent that you can, err in the direction of kindness. DO THOSE THINGS THAT INCLINE YOU TOWARD THE BIG QUESTIONS, AND AVOID THE THINGS THAT WOULD REDUCE YOU AND MAKE YOU TRIVIAL. That luminous part of you that exists beyond personality – your soul, if you will – is as bright and shining as any that has ever been. Bright as Shakespeare's, bright as Gandhi's, bright as Mother Theresa's. Clear away everything that keeps you separate from this secret luminous place. Believe it exists, come to know it better, nurture it, share its fruits tirelessly.
Congratulations, Class of 2013.
I wish you great happiness, all the luck in the world.
--On Thu, Aug 29, 2013 at 8:49 PM, Craig Harder <craig@moseslakedentist.com> wrote:
My son is 22...has just started to show a glimmer of change :)Craig Harder, DDS7th grade boys are idiots in general when it comes to girls. At what age does that change? Just asking ;)
Kathleen Carson, DDSSent from my iPhone--When I heard this from my wife I dreaded coming home. I heard my daughter was taking this hard. She carpools with (3) girls and they finished 1,2,3 (apparently) among the 7th grade boy judges. It was circulated on the email or whatever. That can be devastating at that age. I came home and found her to be chatting online with a boy at her school. I was ready for tears but my daughter was o.k..
I would feel sad for anyone who was "rated" in 7th grade by their looks.I employed my 15 year old son (who is very popular) to lessen the blow and give her some encouragement.
My daughter is super amazing..not just saying that. She is going to be more successful than me, for sure! She is cute enough for me.
She is on the far right.
--
Bob S. Perkins D.D.S.
www.smilesinmalibu.com
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Bob S. Perkins D.D.S.
www.smilesinmalibu.com
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Daniela Sever DMD PC
440 Hancock StreetQuincy, MA 02171
www.mysmiledoctors.com
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